The government, in a rush to pick up votes from non-smokers before the #GeneralElection in May, is introducing legislation to force tobacco companies to make all #cigarette packaging slimy.
With the proposed "plain" unbranded packaging looking way too cool, the Coalition is scared that the entire plan will blow back in their faces. This new initiative will mean:
- New packs will be covered in really icky slime
- Almost impossible to pick up
- Make your coat pockets disgusting
- Added sewer odour to be introduced at later date
Filter tips will also be given a makeover with a genuine "who has been sucking at my roach" dampness built in.
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The slime is to be a special, non-carcinogenic substance proved by NICE and the government has agreed to supply retailers with tongs and disposable gloves to use at sales counters. In return, retailers must sign a waver preventing them from suing for damaged clothing or accidents caused from slipping on dripped slime.
Scientists have said that the slime is almost impossible to remove from clothing and the damage to pockets and fabric will "resemble what you were doing to your bloody lungs in the first place," said one eminent professor.
The second stage will be to add subtle odour to both the slime and the tobacco. Current variants will include "Badgers Arse" and "Three week old pissed in jock strap," for brands who target the female market.
#Tobacco companies have yet to reply to the proposals, but share holders in the city were seen throwing up in the Thames.
